MY SILENT DESIRES

EPISODE 1

I celebrated my silver jubilee birthday just last week. There is really nothing special about turning twenty-five. I wish I’m excited about my new age like Bola who marked hers last year.

When I called to wish her a happy birthday around 5am before joining the family devotion; she exclaimed, “Jane, I’m so excited. I feel great! This is the real maturity age. Don’t worry, you’ll feel same next year.” I doubt if Bola slept all night.

The proclaimed year is here and the 25-year-old damsel feels the same way. I wasn’t even into the celebration that day.

How I wish Dad didn’t insist on celebrating his first daughter’s 25th birthday, I would have remained indoors all day and maybe ignored some birthday wishes. It sounds absurd right? But how will I celebrate when all I think of is how to build a good relationship as a foundation for an enviable godly home.

EPISODE 2

I’ve been in courtship with James for three years and it seems like we’re yet to know each other.

We long for each other whenever we are not together but on visiting, we get to have some slight misunderstandings that make the physical meeting unfruitful.

There was a day I had some business ideas flapping loosely in my head and I needed to speak with someone.

Though a business on ladies’ fashion but I still felt he is the best person to discuss with as my confidant. “James, are you back from work? I’d love to discuss some things with you urgently.” I alerted him on phone.

“My love, I can’t wait to see you. I’m at home,” He responded.

EPISODE 3

I hurried out of the house like there was a spirit that would wipe off all the ideas in my head if I don’t rush down to his place. I went along with my pen and jotter. I’m too serious right?  I’m an emotional person.

If I don’t talk about it immediately, I can feel bitter and moody for the whole day. Let me spill it now that I’m excited about my fresh ideas.

We haven’t even concluded our greetings, I brought out my small jotter and blue ball pen from my brown sling bag. He should know that I’m boiling and just want to pour out what’s on my mind immediately before it gets cold.

“James, guess what! I conceived this idea for my business and it’s like the heavens brought it to me. I haven’t really seen anyone do such around but it’s very possible. I want us to sit together and table some plans to make them achievable.”

“You know for a while, business hasn’t been too good. My customers now request for shoes and bags more than clothes, so I’m thinking of taking some loan to stock my shop with shoes and bags. I found a friend on Facebook who deals in importing shoes from Dubai. That’s not all Dear, I should speak with Bada who sells bags in wholesales at a discount. Dear, I picture a really very big business. Then I get to source for international customers who are in need of my wares…” I stopped abruptly.

I wasn’t encouraged to continue. James was expressionless, his stare was so blank.

EPISODE 4

After all my gesticulation before him! My excitement vanished, my smile returned to the beautiful Heaven. He noticed my new look and was about to talk but it was too late.

Why didn’t he at least commend me almost immediately? Shouldn’t he be proud of me as an industrious lady? I took my leave hastily disappointed.

I met my room the same way I left it, bounced into the bed and hugged my white pillow tightly as I used it to cover my mouth.

My mouth was wide open but no scream was heard. Hot tears soaked it as I faintly screamed the more.

James’ call came in but I refused to pick. When I was upset and wanted to leave, why didn’t he stop me and hold me firm in his arms, telling me those sweet words of accolades I wanted to hear.

I wanted his attention so we could discuss and it seemed like he just wanted me to talk like a radio that doesn’t require feedback.

EPISODE 5

James is an adorable man. I love his strength and tenacity. He is generous as well as friendly but there is a vacuum.

I need him to partake in my anxieties, pains, joy. I need that attention that truly shows that he cares.

I spoke to him about it the following day when I was much calm. I was marvelled by his explanation.

“I’m a man, you don’t expect me to swiftly embrace the idea, as you said yourself, you wanted us to have a dialogue. You initiated it and after talking, you didn’t allow me speak, you got angry. I was actually digesting the things you tabled, it will cost money aside the loan involved.

“I’m sure it’s not mainly because of your customers’ demands but you envy your friend, Angela, who sells shoes and bags as she’s doing well.”

“I wanted you to be calm about the plans even though it seems beautiful. I needed not to rush in commending you, we need to search the motive. Success is not achieved by only having beautiful plans,” James said to me.

I returned home that day pondering on those words. It is true that Angela’s progress influenced my decision.

Regardless, was that why he didn’t respond immediately? Well, I think I should have been more patient with him, not rushing to leave like he stabbed me.

Now he knows what I wanted and I know his thoughts too.

EPISODE 6

Two days ago, I was dressed for a dinner party organised by my alma mater old students’ association.

It was a get together programme with a ticket to invite one person, so I invited James.

He decided to come pick me off. I wore a red silky dress with silver heels to match the rose designs on it.

I smiled contentedly as I tucked a glittering bow into my dark curly hair looking into the mirror.

I confidently went down the stairs when he alerted me that he was at the living room. You needed to see how I twisted my legs in those beautiful shoes.

“Let’s get going Dear,” James said. I was expecting more… I kept mute in the car.

EPISODE 7

On getting to the party, seeing my old friends, my cheerful look returned. My friends showered on me nice compliments about my look. I felt great.

Sincerely, I forgot that I was with my fiancé as my former male classmates held me around chatting before the party began.

When I returned to where James sat, he asked why I left him. I did not know when I muttered, “I went with those who know my worth.”

I observed his countenance, I didn’t mean to hurt him with my words.

Then I softly said, “I’m all yours, just had to enjoy the short moment with my old friends but learn how to compliment your lady too, don’t let them do it for you.”

Attention and words of affirmation go down well with me.

James doesn’t fail to buy me gifts. I love receiving them, of course, you would expect me to. But I don’t joke with attention.

Whenever I’m burdened and need someone to talk to, I want him to be there splattering pleasant words.

I recently got some books addressing the needs of both genders and growing a relationship. I ought to start reading them.

James needs some too. Our relationship must sail well in the midst of our unending silent desires.

EPISODE 8

‘Jane hooks James’, it sounds cute right? But it doesn’t just happen, we need to both communicate and present our matter before God Almighty, the author of marriage in prayers.

We are both matured, we should know our love languages, strengths and weaknesses by now.

I need to sit first, write down my goals, and ponder on my personality so that I would give accurate information about myself to James while he does likewise.

I’m glad this is popping up in my heart as I can’t afford to allow a third party into my relationship again.

The last time I did, it was even from James’ side. He told his friend, Victor that I complain too much.

Victor confronted me saying, “despite all the gifts James usually buy for you, what else do you want? He is taking good care of you. I’m not even taking care of my lady like he does.”

Those words hurt me and I refused to speak with James for weeks. He regretted talking to his friend about it and apologised profusely.

You see, nothing fuels a relationship like good communication and understanding. This, I’m set to prayerfully engage in my ‘ship’ with God as the sailor and His word as the compass throughout the journey.

I’m confident of a beautiful home.

THE END